Network News

- 2 October 2005 -

On October 6th in Las Vegas, Nevada the world renowned musical genius act "The Network" has agreed to support long time rivals Green Day.

The Network will play the opening slot of "The American Idiot" world tour along with Jimmy Eat World. It is also rumored that "The Network" will support Green Day on "secret" shows at the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles and The Warfield in San Francisco.

Sources close to Green Day have been quoted as commenting "that's a really bad idea" and "can we just make them go away?" Green Day's managment declined to comment on the on going feud between bands, but confirmed that The Network will be performing in the opening time slot.

Senior writer,
George Plimpton
(Associated International Press Associates)

- 7 November 2004 -

The Network movie release for "Disease is Punishment"

“ A jewel - a blend of musical and cinematic imagination.” -Robert
Hilburn, L.A. Times

“Who is Robert Hilburn and how dare he judge us.” –Fink, singer for
The Network

Greetings earthlings! You have right now in your sweaty little
clutches the new Network movie, "Disease is Punishment," a cinematic
masterpiece that captures the legendary band in their prime and will
leave you craving for more. This week, The Network is releasing their
new record, "Money Money 2020" and their new movie, "Disease is
Punishment." Both are sure to be big hits this year! But enough about
them, what about me and my needs? Do you even care? Do you even know
I spent half the night tossing and turning because I was afraid that I
had testicular cancer, only to find out I had left a marble in my
pajama’s front pocket? .

Sorry...oh yes, where was I …On Novemember 22, 2003, the anniversary
of President John F. Kennedy’s death (lone gunman, right!), the
legendary band, The Network played their first American show in the
city of angels. The band thought, "wouldn’t it be great to have some
cameras and then something behind the cameras and then if something
would turn on the cameras and then we performed in front of the
cameras then we could actually make a movie." So after a lot of
debating on whether they should use gorillas or robots to operate the
cameras they came up with ROBO-RILLA. The first robot that smells like
a gorilla and can operate a camera! Yes, you lucky ones can now see
technology at its best! So on with the show...the smoke, the lights,
the gaffers, tape concealing their naughty parts and the wonderful
music of The Network will have you throwing away every single one of
the DVD’s in your collection (I even chucked my "Guys Gone Wild" DVD
away after I got it).

This DVD is also perfect for people with agoraphobia. Simply have
them come to their own house, pay 20 dollars to get in, go to their
fridge, pay outlandish amounts of money for a watered down drink, sit
inside their smelly living room and put on the DVD. See, now they are
just like normal people! It’s fun! Also for you conspiracy freaks out
there who still think The Network consists of members from Green Day
and Siegfried and Roy, how could this have been possible when Roy was
too busy being mauled by a lion??

So if this 'Bio' was not helpful to you, my heart is bleeding...maybe
you should do your own job and watch it for yourself. Do I have to do
everything for you? Here is the Cliff Notes version: it is a DVD of
The Network (Warner Brother’s new darlings!), they play all their
hits! There are pretty girls in it and lots of videos as a bonus
feature. And it was directed by that hot director John Roecker, who
some say is very well hung! I am only mentioning this fact because it
is proven that directors with large endowments do not make crappy
music DVD's because they have nothing to prove! So there you go! These
are the facts, now pull up a chair, pull down your pants and watch
"Disease is Punishment." Don’t you owe it to yourself and your
readers? - Doctor Svengali

The Network-Money Money 2020

Taste is the enemy of creativeness. -Pablo Picasso

(Please note that this bio is best read in a fake German accent;
also, if you cannot read or are blind just ask your Warner Brother’s
representative for a “Bio on Tape” at no additional charge.)

In this world of disposable icons and plastic idols, let us present
the solution to all your problems. Ladies and Gentlemen, we bring you
THE NETWORK! I know how hard it is for you journalists these days, the
bands you are forced to write about are bland and taste like a vegan
birthday cake. The Network is here to save you from all of this
miserable mediocrity. The Network are a living, breathing sound-bite
and with their charming personalities and their incredible fashion
sense you would swear you were covering Ricky Schroder in his Silver
Spoons heyday! The Network is the future and if it so happens that the
future is the 1980’s so be it. The Network asks you, have we really
progressed since then? And the answer is NO! The Network believes that
our world is filled with records that should come with expiration
dates on them. The Network is timeless! You will be reminded of this
fact when they play “Hammer of the Gods” at your funeral and “Money
Money 2020” at your kids bar mitzvah. Everything you heard about the
Network is true (except for the sex scandal that bassist Van Gough had
with a sheep in Florida, it was actually Estelle Getty from The Golden
Girls), they are musical revolutionaries not unlike George Washington
but with a keytar! It is time for a music revolution and The Network
is going to start it.

But let us talk about the new album Money Money 2020! It's revamped
and remastered and features two new hit singles, the already mentioned
"Hammer of the Gods" and "Teenagers from Mars!" This classic album
will be glued to the nation's CD players because there is actually
glue on the CD! So now if you were forced to put on a Simple Plan
record you now have the ultimate excuse. Another incredible marketing
idea from the boys in The Network!

Now I know a lot of you have been excusing the band as some sort of
sellouts for leaving their independent label to go to a major. Our
response is this: Get out of the 90’s people! Put away the flannel and
the grunge and join us in the future! The 1980’s! The Me Generation.
We want more money and we want to reach the unfortunates in Moscow,
Idaho who have not yet been blessed with the sounds of The Network.

The Network also wants you to know that they completely support our
Commander and Chief President, Ronald Reagan and completely endorse
his new Star Wars plan. Is there really any other way to protect our
country from Russia and Oakland, California? So we may be a little
biased because the band, The Network created this amazing defense
plan. Instead of complaining about the country they try to help it! So
listen up you whiny, pinko bands (that includes you - LIVE AID!),
either love this country or leave it or at least try to come up with a
satellite defense system that will cost the country 500 million
dollars like we did! I mean, do you see the band Power Station doing
that?

As many of you have read in the press recently, there is an ongoing
feud with GREEN DAY. I would like to take this time and address these
rumors. Yes, we hate them and here is why:

REASON #1: Green Day are a bunch of rip-off artists and have been
stealing The Network's ideas for years. Here is the proof: The Network
put a record out then Green Day puts a record out; The Network
performs a live show and then Green Day performs a live show!
Coincidence? I think not! Come up with something new you bitches and
stop stealing our ideas.

REASON #2: The Network does not do 9 minute songs on albums (unless
by chance your CD skips and then proceeds to skip for 9 minutes). The
Network do not have time to listen to a 9 minute song - there is
shopping to do.

REASON #3: That pouty mouthed, commie lead singer of theirs, Billy
Jean Armstrong! Who does this guy think he is? Wow, he signed us to
his record label! Wow, he gave us an insane advance that we used on
buying Patrick Nagel paintings! Wow, he then got us signed to
Warner’s! We should be grateful because of this? I don’t think so-try
harder buddy! You would sign Ah-a if you thought it would get your
street cred back!

A lot of the press has unfairly compared The Network with other
bands. Let me tell you, there are no others like them around today or
yesterday for that matter. Influences? What influences? Devo?
Kraftwerk? Please! If you do your history, you will find out that The
Network has been around longer than these bands. In fact, they first
appeared on the soundtrack for the hit television show “Miami Vice
Vol. 2” Try to beat that Duran Duran, you Johnny-come-lately!

The Network lives together in their warehouse compound in Oakland,
California. Here at The Network headquarters, the band is inventing
new ways to rock. The Network, not unlike your founding fathers, had
to leave their respected countries (Berlin, Spain and Fresno,
California) because the religious Reich kicked them out due to their
strong religious beliefs with the Church of Lushotology.

Yes, you will be hearing a lot from the band The Network in the
future because they are in fact the future. So get off your asses and
start writing about them in your rags. The Network will always be
available for interviews and photo ops. We did our job, now it is time
o do yours. Doesn’t the world deserve us? Isn’t it your obligation to
ight for better music?

- 4 August 2004 -
The Network will release a live DVD titled "Disease is Punishment"
You will be able to buy it October 19th in the US and August 23rd in the UK.

- 17 NOVEMBER 2003 -
FINK posted THE NETWORK covering THE MISFITS song TEENAGERS FROM MARS on the message board. Have a listen: here.

- 14 NOVEMBER 2003 -
KEY CLUB UPDATE:

Don't be late for THE NETWORK next Saturday, November 22nd. The doors will open promptly at 9pm, and the show begins at 9:30pm. See ya there!

- 11 NOVEMBER 2003 -
VAN GOUGH posted a new song on the message board. If you missed his post listen to the song here.

- 23 OKTOBER 2003 -
Message from the Doctor

"Welcome to the official network website. We will do the best to update you on the activities of The Network and all of the boys events.

First the good news! The Network will be playing their first American show on November 22 of 2003 in Los Angeles at the Key Club. This show will be the biggest spectacular since that lion tried to kill that gay guy in Las Vegas. Get tickets now folks because the venue is small and not like the giant stadiums they play in Europe. Also the Network merchandise (T-shirts, leg warmers) will be available next week so check the site and dress yourself and impress yourself.

Now the bad news. It seems that the lead singer of Green Day has been ranting about The Network. A band that is on his own label! He is throwing insults at The Network like it is shit, not unlike a monkey who poos and then throws his feces in the faces of his loved ones. Well, Mr. Hot Shot Punk God with the giant penis, just because you wrote "Keep them Separated" and "Endless Love" don't come screaming at us because we are young and hot. We're here to start a revolution, and either you are in or you are out. But we are willing to settle things and get along, because why should we fight with a man that wrote "Pretty Fly for a White Boy" so bad it is ironic! But if you have a problem with us Mr. Green Day come to the Key Club and watch a real band play and learn a few things! We dare you!! Dare You!!!! Surrender and smell the taint of The Network!

The second thing that is pissing me off is how fellow Lushotologist Liza Minnelli is being sued by her homosexual husband for beating him. He is asking for ten million dollars because he said she attacked him and gave him "scalp tenderness" and "phonophobia" ( a fear of telephones)! Now we know our dear liza would never hurt a fly. But be warned Mr. homosexual husband, The Network will give you more than scalp tenderness if you follow through with this lawsuit! Be warned! Be warned!

On a closing note I cannot stress enough how much we appreciate our fans or are cult followers! The Network do not work like Jessica Simpson, we do not drink the teet of radio payola! So call your local radio station and demand they play The Network! Do it for us, do it for Saint Joey Ramone and Saint Joe Strummer. The Revolution has begun ladies and gentlemen! Let the show now begin.

Be free and join the church
Doctor S.

P.S. Also the message board is bored...please try to be clever you are beginning to bore us. "